Tezcatlipoca - self reflection, Xipe Totec: transformation.

TW: mention of suicide, depression and trauma.  

I want to talk about my first two years of teaching and how those were the most difficult years of my career. When I graduated from college I didn't necessarily go into teaching right away. I graduated in 2016, right after I got a job through AmeriCorps as the Migrant Youth Leadership Coordinator at WWU. I was so excited because this conference was something I was part of when I was in college but it was also a conference I co-founded when I was 17 as my senior project in high school. 

It meant a lot to me to be able to run it for 2 years, working with my community and especially working with migrant youth in Skagit and Whatcom counties. Through that process, I was able to be part of so many great things that our youth was doing. It was inspiring, life changing, and most of all it was raw and honest. That's when I knew I needed to go back to school, to get my teaching credentials. I wanted to do more, at that time I thought teaching was the way. So I became a teacher, throughout that year I went back to school, personal life got in the way. Halfway through the teaching program, I wanted to quit. I thought I can't be teacher, I don't want to be a teacher. I did I almost quit, but I didn't I kept going, even though I was depressed, sad, and just didn't know who I was or wanted to be. 

So I finished the program and 3 months before I graduated, I accepted a position at Highline Public Schools, as a dual language teacher. I was so excited, my first job in my career!! So the months went by graduation was approaching and one night it was particularly difficult. 

I attempted suicide. I just felt like everything I was going through was not worth it and I thought I was better off dead. Thankfully I failed.

Few weeks later I moved to Seattle, to start my new job. I thought I am in a new city, new place, this a chance to start off fresh. The first few months were fine, I was getting used it. 

But as the year went by and I started to get to know my students, I quickly found out about the deeper issues that were out of my control. Lack of support combined with all the trauma that students shared with me, it was too much. I remember this day like it was yesterday, it was a month back after winter break, it was the last period of the day, that day was especially difficult and stressful. I just started crying, I lost it. 

In front of my students, I lost it. I cried so loudly that I scared my students. I felt so bad after because I never wanted to do that in front of them. It's not their job to make me feel better but they tried to console me. 

Admin came in to take over and I left. I remember I told them that I was just going through a lot and that I was scared doing something to myself. They told me to take a few days off, I ended up taking 2 weeks off. 

During those two weeks, it was dark, sad, lonely. I had sleepless nights, didn't eat, or slept too much. But when I was ready I went back to school. I felt a bit better taking time to myself. 

The rest of the year went fine. At the time I had the opportunity to take a job somewhere else, but I decided to stay another year at the school I was. I just thought I should give it another chance. So I did. 

But the second year there it was difficult, I just didn't feel like I was being supported. I felt so inexperienced because I was, so a lot of the times, I needed help. I kept asking for help, while at times I did receive it, it wasn't enough because it was just a difficult place to work. 

Students were coming in with lots of traumas, I just didn't know how to handle that and with lack of resources, it made it even more difficult. There was also a lot of behavioral issues, that were out my scope of my teacher duties. I struggled ALOT! By December of 2019, I called the union president, telling her I am going to quit I will resign, if things don't change. I didn't quit but I wanted to. 

I would walk into work, unhappy, stressed, angry, unmotivated. EVERY SINGLE DAY! It was bad, all I wanted to do was stay home. But I kept at it, I kept going to school and showing up for kids even when I didn't want to. 

Then COVID happened and while that was horrible it was a much needed breather for my mental health. I had decided to resign at the end of my contract. I left that school, I didn't' leave happy I left relieved, but it felt horrible. I felt like I failed. You know what that could be true, but I know that whatever that I went through, helped me become a better educator. 

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